The Biggest Chuunin Exam Ever
by daniel-gudman
Summary: The sequel to Spying no Jutsu. For the first time in history, all five major villages will participate in one chuunin exam. The best and brightest genin are sent... including Uzumaki Naruto. But Akatsuki will not stand idly by at this historic event.
1. Welcome to Kumogakure

**The Biggest Chuunin Exam Ever**

**Chapter One: Welcome to Kumogakure**

Disclaimer: Naruto is copyright 199something-2009 (well, until it ends, actually) Kishimoto. It's published in Jump and I have no idea who puts out the Tankoban. Viz does the official English translation? I don't know. I guess what I'm getting at is what I, personally, am doing is fanfiction that is created without profit or the intent to profit.

This story is a sequel to "Spying no Jutsu." I heartily recommend reading that first ( story ID is 2859078), although I suppose you don't have to.

I I I

"Welcome to the Village Hidden in the Clouds." Ebisu said, pushing his glasses up his nose.

Konohamaru smiled, hopping up to bounce off the side of a pole and then swarm up the side a building, before taking in the panorama. "So cool!" He enthused.

Kumogakure was built into the mountains, hollowed out so that each one was a patchwork of lights from the apartments and offices carved into them, with agricultural fields and training grounds scattered across the slopes and valleys between them.

"Get down." Hanabi scoffed. "You're making us look like idiots."

"Ah, go easy on him, Hanabi-chan." Naruto said lightly. "After all, this is a first time in another village for you guys."

Sai smiled his plastic smile. ANBU rarely operated outside of the Fire Country, and when they did it was almost invariably the elite who did so. Sai was not a member of that elite group.

Moegi giggled at her team-mates antics, and Udon just shook his head.

Yamato made eye contact with Ebisu, and the other jounin simply shrugged, as if to say, 'I can't control everything they do.'

"Konohamaru!" Ebisu said. "Get down here. You need to be briefed before the mission."

"Hai!" The boy said, and then leapt, scarf streaming behind him as he lightly landed next to his team-mates.

Ebisu cleared his throat, glancing at Yamato for permission. When the other man nodded, he spoke. "As you know, this year Konoha has been invited to the chuunin exam being hosted by Kumogakure. Our allies the Hidden Sand have been invited as well. Cloud's allies, Stone and Mist, will also be returning this year." Ebisu paused. "You might not realize this, but this marks the first chuunin exam in the history of the village system that will be attended by all five major villages."

"This is, without exaggeration, the biggest chuunin exam ever." Ebisu continued. "As such it represents an unprecedented opportunity for everyone involved. This is the first time since the last Secret War that ninja from all five villages will compete against each other. And this will be in public, with nobles and wealthy merchants and other customers watching. The village that performs best during this exam will earn a huge amount of prestige."

"Don't worry!" Konohamaru shouted. "We'll blow everyone away!"

Ebisu grunted with long-suffering tolerance at his student's antics, before continuing. "For that reason, every village has sent their strongest genin, the elite of the next generation. And I am very proud of you three for being selected as the strongest genin squad in Konoha. Although my teaching made it possible, it is the long dedication to missions and training that made Team Six stand above all other genin squads in Konoha. Whatever happens, I'm very proud of you three."

"Which brings me to my briefing." Yamato said. "Hyuuga Hanabi, you are considered the most talented genin of your generation; that is why you are being allowed to test early. Sai was raised within the ANBU and probably has more field experience than any of you…" Yamato paused. "Except, perhaps, you, Naruto."

He glanced at his three. "You three are not a genin squad. You have been assembled as a trump card to secure glory for Hidden Leaf. I expect you to act like the professionals you are and secure prestige for our village."

Ebisu nodded. "Yes. This is an important opportunity for us. Your behavior here will reflect on the whole village. Conduct yourself admirably so everyone will see how great Konoha ninja are!"

"That goes double for you, Naruto-niisan!" Konohamaru said, getting a dig in on the one he admired.

"Oye!" Naruto said, smiling. "Don't get cocky just because we're testing together. I'm still going to blow everyone away with my super-amazing jutsu!"

Hanabi crossed her arms, frowning. The short trip had done nothing to endear the exceedingly loud orange ninja to her, and he brought similar behavior out of Konohamaru, making his confidence bleed into something like overblown arrogance. She didn't like Naruto and she didn't like how he made Konohamaru act.

"Ah, don't be like that, Hanabi-chan!" Naruto said, laughing. He danced forward, somehow getting inside her guard to ruffle her hair. "We can still have fun while looking super-cool." He paused, before grinning again. "Well, I guess looking cool and having fun are kinda exclusive with the image the Hyuuga maintain, but whatever!"

"Hey!" Konohamaru said. "Hanabi-chan is cool even when she's having fun!"

"Shut up." Hanabi hissed at Konohamaru.

Naruto guffawed. "Is there… is there something going on with you two?"

"No." Hanabi announced.

"Yeah." Udon spoke up at the same time.

Hanabi glared daggers at the shy boy, and Naruto began laughing uproariously. Hanabi, embarrassed, lashed out, punching Naruto in the stomach.

Naruto looked down, hunched over from the blow to the gut. "I'm about to get into trouble." He observed, and then poofed into smoke.

Konohamaru was the first to speak. "A Kage Bunshin?" He said, having realized what had happened.

"Damn right, you're in trouble." Yamato growled. Naruto sneaking off like that annoyed him, but not as much as doing it without Yamato noticing. That offended his pride as a jounin.

I I I

Naruto paused as he walked up along the street that wound around the mountain like the threads cut into a screw. "Huh." He said. "I guess my clone got popped…" He shrugged. His childhood had given him a casual disregard for authority. Travelling with Jiraiya gave him casual contempt. Sometimes he thought it ironic that he was so obnoxious to all his authority figures when he wanted to be Hokage.

But right now Naruto was thinking about Ramen. He'd traded a few letters with Yugito, and she made it sound like there was this really great place somewhere around here. So he was looking for Ichisaku Ramen. He could tell it would be great just from the name.

I I I

Yugito stared down into the bowl of noodles, frowning. Her eyes had been bigger than her stomach; sure, she could put this third bowl away, but she wasn't really that hungry.

She sighed, playing with her noodles. Eating alone wasn't very fun, but she wasn't really close enough to anyone to go out and eat with them. It was ironic, she thought, that when she was alone, she never felt lonely, but when out and about, she most keenly felt the isolation.

Yugito knew that Kumo had a relatively… enlightened attitude towards their jinchuuriki, thanks in large part to the efforts of the previous Raikage, for the sake of his brother. Still… even if they were polite, no one would ever allow themselves to forget that she was a jinchuuriki. Rather than rudeness, people were in awe and somewhat… wary.

Hands reached forward on either side of her head and closed over her eyes. She reached for a kunai at the same time a voice whispered in her ear, "Guess who."

She felt a smile come to her face. "Naruto." His hands pulled away, and she turned to look at him over her shoulder. Before she get could get a look at him, though, she heard the distinctive sound of a Kage Bunshin dispelling.

She paused, wondering what he was playing at, when she felt a breath in her other ear. "Over here," he whispered, and she jumped, twisting around and nearly jumping off her stool.

Again, the bunshin popped.

She stared at the dissipating cloud of smoke. "Naruto…" she growled, beginning to feel annoyed. She heard the sound of her bowl of ramen being dragged across the counter, very deliberately scraping the counter.

She lashed out without looking, catching his wrist in her hand. Relatively certain she finally had him, she finally turned to look.

His smile was still incredibly open and warm, smile lines radiating from the corners of his eyes and drawing back his cheeks so his teeth were shining out. He still wore his forehead protector correctly on his forehead, and his face had… sharpened, losing the roundness and taking on a more mature, adult shape. Combined with the black shouldering of his new (but still orange) jumpsuit, he looked very mature and, in Yugito's opinion, quite masculine.

"Naruto." She said again, and she realized she was smiling back.

"Yugito." His smile changed, becoming something mischievous. "Yugito-chan." He tried to pull his hand back, but she kept her grip firm. "Can I have my hand back?"

"I don't think so." She responded archly. "Your hand seems to be gripping a bowl of ramen that doesn't belong to you."

"Well you certainly weren't eating it." He protested. "I watched for like, five minutes."

"You were watching me eat?" Yugito said.

"I was watching you not eat." Naruto pointlessly corrected. "I was looking for this place, 'cause you mentioned it was good, and then I came up and I saw you through the curtain, and I just kinda, stopped, you know."

"No, I don't know." Yugito replied. "But please, do tell."

"Well, see, I was just walking along, minding my own business, and bam! I saw you out of the corner of my eye, and immediately turned to look. And then like, five minutes passed."

Yugito smiled again. Despite being inarticulate, Naruto could be very sweet. She let go of his wrist. "Why don't you have some ramen?" She asked.

"My treat." She dryly added, as he cheered and started eating her noodles.

She watched him for a minute. He ate quickly, almost shoveling it in. Despite that, not a single drop of broth fell. She wondered if he was doing it with chakra or something. Usually, it was necessary to lean forward and eat over the bowl, but he was sitting up pretty straight, holding the bowl with his left hand while he deftly lifted noodles with his right.

He paused, and made eye contact, raising an eye brow. He swallowed, and spoke. "Something on my face?"

She reached out on impulse, and ran her finger down his cheek. The whisker-like indentations on his face were very slight to touch. "Nothing that isn't always on your face." She replied.

He shrugged uncertainly, and went back to eating.

"So, what brings you to Kumo?" she asked.

He pushed back the bowl, and turned to face her, casually leaning one elbow on the counter. "Well, I'm here for the chuunin exam, actually."

Yugito nodded. "Everyone is talking about it. We've got practically every nation in the elemental countries represented, so it's a huge group."

He nodded. "Yeah, the old lady wouldn't let up on the whole thing. She thinks I'm gonna cause a scene or something." He chuckled at that.

"You remember when we met?" She said lightly.

"That wasn't my fault!" He protested. "It's not like I asked four S-class missing-nin to show up!"

"No." She allowed. "You just fought with them to protect the people you were supposed to be spying on."

Naruto shrugged. "Well, you know. I couldn't let them take you. What Village you're from doesn't matter, you're someone precious to me." He glanced to the side, and the proprietor of the stand caught his eye. He stood, and she followed, opening her wallet to lay down some bills for the food.

"Hey, I can cover my bowl." He began, but she shook her head. "Nah, I was picking at it first. And anyway, I already said it was my treat." She glanced up at him. "You can pay next time."

"It's a date." He agreed, ignoring the surprised look he got from the stand proprietor for flirting with a jinchuriki. Yugito hesitated an instant before finishing counting out the money.

The two set off, ambling down the street.

"So the chuunin exam?" Yugito prompted.

Naruto grinned. "Yeah, it's gonna be great. I'm really excited to see who all's gonna be there."

Yugito nodded. "Speaking of, remember Kamome?"

Naruto frowned, and then his eyes lit up. "Oh yeah! She was pretty cool. I was really impressed by those gauntlet things that made her raiton so awesome."

"That was Raiko." Yugito corrected. "Kamome was the other one."

Naruto frowned, hand going to his chin in almost a parody of an 'I'm thinking' expression. Finally, he snapped his fingers. "Oh! You mean the kuudere with the tight pants and all those swords."

"Kuudere?" Yugito began, before shaking her head. "No, it doesn't matter. More importantly, you're still thinking of the wrong person. That's Kirema. She's the commander of Raikage-sama's Sword Squads. Kamome is the other-other one."

Naruto nodded. "Ah! The awesome lady with the bears!"

Yugito shook her head. "Ursura-sama is the Tsuchikage, Naruto. She's not even from this village. And I can play the straight man for as long as you can play stupid, I'm not going to take the bait."

He paused. "You're awesome." Naruto said, with great conviction.

She couldn't see the expression on his face; they both were squinting as they walked out on to a great causeway that connected two sides of a ravine. As they walked out onto the great arched bridge, they came out of the shadow of the mountain and into the slanting afternoon sunlight.

"Kamome was the one with the big birds and the poofy clothes, right?" He continued.

"That would be her, yes." Yugito said. "She was assigned a genin team shortly before we met. They're taking this exam."

Naruto chuckled. "Kamome was pretty cool, but she always sounded a little bit like she was on stage. I can see it now." Abruptly, he jumped up, twisting about and creating a pair of Kage Bunshin mid-air. The trio landed on the chain-link fence that prevented people from plummeting to a messy death. Many shinobi could take such a fall with ease, and Yugito believed that Naruto was one of them. But she still felt a slither of worry.

Then they struck poses like a transforming hero team. "Soaring across the sky like a whole mess of storm clouds, we're the genin trio of the great Asagiri Kamome!" Then one lept up and across the speaker's shoulder, arms straight out as he kept his body straight. "I'm a spear." It added in an aside.

Passerby stopped, and stared at the orange genin making a spectacle of himself.

Three of those staring were a trio, two boys and a girl, each about fourteen years old.

The tallest, wearing the standard issue jumpsuit of a Kumo-nin, with a cloth vest that reminded Naruto of Jiraiya, stepped forward, frowning underneath his slightly slanted forehead protector. He kicked the fence, and the Narutos wobbled precariously.

"That's for mocking sensei." He declared.

Naruto (the one holding Naruto-the-spear) chuckled. What a coincidence. Unfortunately he was still attempting to keep his balance, so he ended up falling backwards. Naruto-the-spear flailed, trying to help him balance, but really only making it worse.

Naruto fell. Naruto-the-spare tried to catch him, but only managed to get dragged off the side fence and plummet with the other two. All of this happened in less than a second.

Everyone started in shock for an instant.

"Naruto!" Yugito cried, jumping onto the fence and looking down, prepared to plunge after him to the rescue.

"I didn't mean to kill him!" The genin cried.

"I appreciate that." Naruto said behind him, badly startling the boy.

"Naruto!" Yugito cried in relief, jumping down. "Are you okay?" He obviously was, so she immediately moved on. "Then, what was…?" She said, looking over her shoulder.

Naruto shrugged. "Whenever I create Kage Bunshin, I'm in the habit of creating a spare or two, you know. Just in case." He glanced meaningfully at the boy next to him. "It's saved my butt a time or two."

Moving quickly from mortified fear to mortified anger, the boy swatted at him. "Well it's your fault for making fun of sensei!" He accused.

"Let it go, Gonta." His female teammate sighed. She stepped forward, and bowed to Naruto. She had a broad skirt, tied with a bow over a pair of pants tied shut just below the knee and a kimono-like shirt loosely folded shut over some kind of combat vest. Her forehead protector was tied around her right bicep.

"I apologize for my teammate." She said. "He has a teacher complex, you see."

"Obei!" The boy, identified as Gonta, protested her words, blushing. "That's not something you say to a stranger!" He swiveled around and swung a punch at a laughing Naruto, who dodged. "And you shut up!" He added.

"I don't think it's something you say at all." The last teammate commented. He was wearing a long-sleeved kimono tied shut over a ninja jumpsuit, and his forehead protector was attached to the front of the bucket-like hat that was cinched around his head. "Even if Gonta's a teachercon, you shouldn't say it."

"Not you too, Yasuke!" Gonta sputtered.

"Is this really any way to act in front of a foreign ninja?" Yugito accused. "He's here for the chuunin exams, you know."

Gonta eyed Naruto. Then he made eye contact with his teammates Obei and Yasuke, both of whom were evaluating the orange ninja before them in a new light.

"It's true!" Naruto said. Then he smiled widely, eyes shut as he put his hands behind his head.

Yugito shook her head. "You better hope he's not the one chosen as your proctor."

"Foreign nin can't proctor our chuunin exam!" Gonta protested.

"They're involved this year." Yugito scolded. "They're not in any position of authority, but select foreign ninja are asked to participate in a specific way for this one."

"Actually, uh, I'm not proctoring the exam." Naruto said.

Yugito paused. "You're right." She said. "I'm sorry, I just assumed since you said you were here for the chuunin exams, that…"

Naruto shrugged. "It's okay. Actually, I--"

"Back up." Yasuke interrupted. "What was that about him being our proctor?"

Yugito paused.

Obei and Yasuke traded looks.

"What?" Gonta said. "Did I miss something?"

"Yes."

Gonta startled. "What's with everybody sneaking up behind me today!" He shouted, turning. He paused, and smiled brightly. "Sensei!"

"Good Afternoon, Gonta." She said, smiling down at her student. "I trust that you have not burdened Yasuke and Obei this afternoon?"

"Sensei…" Gonta protested.

"Not too much." Obei said. "He almost killed this blond guy, though."

Kamome turned, and bowed to the foreign-nin. "Good Afternoon, Naruto-san. Let me extend the hospitality of Kumogakure; I'm glad that we are meeting under more auspicious conditions this time."

Naruto blinked. "Yeah, thanks. It's really good to see you, too."

"You still haven't answered my question." Yasuke complained.

Kamome drew herself up formally. "I would like your attention, please, my students." She swept her gaze across her three genin. "As of noon today, Raikage-sama has accepted, under the name Asagiri Kamome, the nomination of Team K for the upcoming chuunin exam."

With a flourish, he held out three envelopes. "Your tickets of admission to the exam."

Yasuke took his with reverence, and Obei smiled brightly.

"Sensei!" Gonta shouted, flinging his arms around Kamome. "You're totally the best!"

"He is a teachercon." Naruto muttered to himself, as Gonta pulled back.

"So… you hadn't told them yet?" Yugito said.

"I had intended to surprise them when we met today." Kamome replied.

"I'm sorry I ruined your surprise." Yugito said.

"Nii Yugito, I accept your apology." Kamome said. Then she turned to Naruto. "I understand that you're also here for the chuunin exams, Naruto-san?"

"Yeah!" Naruto replied, smiling.

Kamome nodded. "I see. It makes sense that such an important ninja such as yourself would be sent by the Hokage to observe the tournament and connect with the others attending."

"Uh, actually—" Naruto began.

"Wait wait wait!" Gonta said. "This guy is supposed to be all that, but he totally fell off the fence like a fool!"

"Actually," Yasuke began, "he rather masterfully played us into thinking that, but none of those clones were actually him."

Obei nodded. "Yeah Gonta. He was never in any danger from you."

"Let that be a lesson to you." Kamome said severely. "Kumo doesn't know much about Naruto-san, but a jounin with as much skill in genjutsu such as himself will rarely be as he appears."

"Actually," Naruto said loudly, "I'm a genin. I'm here to participate in the chuunin exam."

Everyone stared.

"I don't believe you." Yugito finally said.

"I'm serious!" Naruto said, still smiling. It was odd, but nice, he thought. That these people recognized his strength already, that they didn't believe he could be merely genin rank. It was different, it was nice to have his strength be recognized.

"I find it very hard to believe you have not successfully passed a chuunin exam, Naruto-san." Kamome diplomatically said, supporting Yugito's statement.

"Well I only took the one, and we kinda got invaded." He said, looking away. "And after that it was pretty crazy with all the stuff going on, like that mission I met you guys at, and then the crazy old pervert dragged me all over the continent for training, and basically… well, I just never got the chance to take another one."

"I think I need to take you to see the Raikage." Yugito finally said.

"Why?" Naruto reponded.

"Because… it'll be easier for the Raikage to explain it." Yugito gestured hesitantly with her hands.

"Okay." Naruto said. "Let's go."

Kamome and her genin watched them leave.

"So… is he a genin or what?" Gonta finally asked.

"I don't know." Kamome admitted. "But… I would advise against fighting him. I'm proud of you three, but you're simply no match for him."

I I I

Naruto cringed as Yugito brought him to the hallway outside the Raikage's office. Waiting was the rest of his team that he'd ditched as well as Konohamaru and his gang.

"Glad you could join us." Yamato said. "If you weren't here to pick up your exam ticket the Raikage could immediately disqualify you." He loomed over Naruto, face underlit with intense shadowing to emphasize his anger. "It would be you head, but I don't want that associated with me."

"I'm sorry." Naruto said.

"I guess you have no balls to go with having no dick." Sai added.

Naruto snarled, and Yugito paused. "…what?" she finally asked.

"Dickless." Sai said, indicating Naruto as he smiled. He felt his smile was getting more natural.

Yugito nodded, off-balance. "I… huh."

"Don't worry about it!" the irrepressible Konohamaru replied. "Sai's just trying to get along, but he's really, really bad at nicknames!"

"I'm practicing getting along smoothly with others." Sai explained. "Dickless and Shorty have been very helpful."

This time Konohamaru also snarled at what Sai said.

"Enough." Yamato said. "Naruto, I don't think you understand. First impressions are very important. You can't just go wandering off. If you get in a fight it could even lead to a war between Kumo and Konoha. You have to be on your best behavior when you're in another village to take the chuunin exam."

"The first time I met Kankuro he almost killed Konohamaru." Naruto replied. "If Sakura-chan and me hadn't been there he would've been in a lot of trouble."

"I would have been fine!" Konohamaru insisted. "I had Udon and Moegi to watch my back!"

"Dude, Kankuro would totally have killed you." Naruto said.

"I would have." Kankuro said from behind Konohamaru.

Without missing a beat, Konohamaru spun around and pointed. "Nobody asked a painted lady like you!"

Kankuro frowned. "Now I remember why I wanted to in the first place. Anyway." He grinned, stepping forward and slapping Naruto on the arm. "Good to see you, man."

"Kankuro!" Naruto enthused. "It's great to see you!" He said, returning the slap. Kankuro still wore the thick layer of make-up, although he had changed the pattern since Naruto had last seen him and had finally lost the cat-eared hood. "What are you doing here, man?"

"Ah, you know." Kankuro shrugged. "I've been helping some genin with their puppets, you know, like a study group, and Gaara said they were ready, so I'm here as their jounin-sensei for the exam."

"You got promoted?" Naruto said. "Congratulations!"

"Thanks." Kankuro replied. "Mostly I was sick of Temari being insufferable about outranking me."

"So where are your tykes, anyway?" Naruto said, completely oblivious to the fact that the 'tykes' could very easily be his own age, or even a few years older.

"Ah, I cut 'em loose and told 'em not to get into any more trouble than they could cover up." Kankuro said. "I just dropped by to pick up their exam tickets."

Naruto turned to Yamato, who just sighed. "Never mind."

"So anyway, who's this cutie?" Kankuro said, indicating Yugito.

"Oh!" Naruto said. "I guess I should do some introductions… Kankuro's the guy in the paint, and he's a ninja-puppeteer, which is totally not as lame as it sounds, and this is Yugito, she's a jounin from Kumo." The two nodded, although Kankuro grimaced as Naruto had never yet failed to knock his chosen art whenever he got the chance.

"Anyway," Naruto continued, "the dude wearing half a shirt is Sai, and the tiny princess is Hanabi." He leaned close, ignoring Hanabi's huff and Sai's oblivious wave and smile and whispered "Hanabi is a Hyuuga, you know," like it was a secret and not something either of his foreign jounin friends could tell just by looking.

"Our jounin commander is this Yamato guy, who's totally awesome and an ANBU captain, which is so totally great, only I'm not supposed to say." He blithely ignored Yamato's frustrated eye-roll.

"Then we have: Team Six! Super cool!" Naruto announced. "Despite having that stiff guy Ebisu—ooh, he's doing that push-his-glasses-up-his-nose-thing—for a jounin-sensei, they're actually pretty awesome." He pointed at the one in the scarf. "Konohamaru is my favorite, but that's probably just because he's the most shameless about copying my style."

Brushing past Konohamaru's protests, he indicated "Moegi, she's well on her way to being a super-kunoichi like Tsunade or Ursura or, like, Tenten or something," and finally "Udon, who's super-shy, or just the silent killer type, I can't really tell. Either way he's definitely reliable."

He smiled at Yugito, who smiled back uncertainly, and Kankuro, who was shaking his head. "I totally don't get how you're still alive with the way you talk about people."

Naruto shrugged. "It's a gift."

The secretary cleared his throat. The group turned, and the man smiled uncertainly up from his desk in front of the door to the village leader's office.

"The Raikage will see you now." He announced.

I I I

Itachi paused, and Kisame groaned. The two were deep in the boonies of the Fire Country, following rumors surrounding the Four-Tails. The Fourth Jinchuuriki had been suspiciously quiet in the last two years, practically going to ground. It was a difficult, annoying job to track him.

But the Leader had summoned and he would not be denied.

So the two sat cross legged on an escarpment overlooking the a tributary that would eventually join the great river and crash over the waterfall at the Valley of the End, and closed their eyes to engage the astral projection jutsu that allowed the Akatsuki to convene nearly instantly.

Kisame opened his eyes, and took in the wavering images of the rest of the group, standing on the fingers of the great sealing statue in their hidden cave.

As soon as the Nine were assembled, Pein spoke.

"Intelligence has just been received that all five major villages will be participating in the chuunin exam at Kumogakure." Pein swept his gaze across his Akatsuki after making his announcement.

"What does this have to do with us?" He asked, voicing the question that was on their minds but had not voiced.

"There is too much danger that the Five Powers will collude at this exam, and interfere with my plan. This cannot be allowed to happen." Pein said. "Some of you will be dispatched to teach the villages the futility of their false peace, that excludes the suffering of the smaller villages and the buffer countries."

Kisame was the one that spoke up. "So we're going to… interrupt their chuunin exam?"

Pein nodded. "Yes. Ironically, all the nobles that are gathered to evaluate the villages based on their chuunin can be shown the true power of this era: We, the Akatsuki."

Kisame nodded. "And who's gonna get stuck with that job?" He said, ignoring the curt 'shut-up' gesture that Itachi was making.

"I'm glad you volunteered, Kisame." Pein said.

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah."

Pein turned back to the group, closing his eyes as he spoke. "The primary mission falls to Sasori and Deidara. They will terrorize the exam and drive the whole village into chaos to destabilize the exam and undercut confidence in the villages. Kisame, Itachi; you will support them by acting as a surgical strike force to take out the strongest individual opponents. I leave the details of this to you."

Pein opened his eyes. "You are dismissed."

With a wavering snap, seven disappeared. Pein turned to Konan. Something crossed between them in the silence. "I'm worried." Pein finally admitted.

"About the exam?" Konan asked.

Pein shook his head. "I think I might have moved too fast. Some of the Kage have been spooked and are worried more about us than each other."

Konan considered that. "Does it threaten the Plan?"

Pein shook his head. "The will of God is absolute. But I would prefer to unleash our power between them, not against them as a unified force."

Konan tilted her head to the side. "But won't their despair be more absolute if even united they cannot oppose divine will?"

Pein paused, and nodded. "Yes, but if it happens too quickly the shock will be too great and the true futility of war will not be recognized."

Konan folded her hands. "I believe in you."

"The will of God is absolute." Pein repeated his benediction.

I I I

AN: "Expect "The Biggest Chuunin Exam Ever" in a few weeks." I said that what, frigging March? Now it's September? I guess "a few" is like 30 or something.

So yeah, no guarantees when the next chapter is coming, it could be like August or something. But! I will say this is the fourth independent, unique draft I created for the beginning. Now that I've actually hit my stride instead of slamming into a wall, I expect my productivity will be going more smoothly.


	2. The Raikage's Appearance

**Chapter Two: The Raikage's Appearance**

I I I

The sun is setting, casting the whole village in a red pall from the side as it sinks down between the hollowed-out peaks that the village dug in to, as the clouds that lent the village its name spiraled around the craggy mountains' tops.

Kazahana Koyuki appeared in the swirl of fog that characterized the Kumo shunshin, kneeling professionally before the jounin that she was sent to summon. Koyuki is a career chuunin working in the Raikage's office and has nothing to do with the famous actress/princess from the Land of Snow (Spring, now) bearing the same name as her.

Samui looked down, and opened her mouth to speak to the messenger.

"I know! Because both have inky quills!"

Although her face remains professionally blank and she doesn't outwardly react, Samui can still tell that the messenger was confused.

Samui glanced over her shoulder, and Koyuki's gaze followed.

Karui kicked at Omoi, who stumbled back, still kneeling. Then she spoke. "That's stupid! It's because neither is made out of aluminum!"

"Your face is stupid!" Omoi retorted. "It's cause," he paused, frowning as he formulated his next sentence, "it's cause both make notes, see, but neither make notes that are really musical."

"What is it?" Samui asked.

"Huh?" Koyuki said, before facing the squad commander. "I mean, there's no right answer."

Samui sighed.

Koyuki, flustered, realized that Samui was asking why she was there. "Oh! Oh, the Raikage would like to speak with you three."

"Did he say why?" Samui asked.

"Because it slopes with a flap!" Omoi proudly announced, and Karui punched him in the face. Shouting, they both fell off the side of the building they were standing on.

Koyuki shook her head. "No; it's just a summons."

Samui nodded, and leapt off the side of the building to retrieve her wayward teammates.

Koyuki followed.

I I I

Amuro Kenta looked up from his desk, and smiled blandly at the Konoha ninja in front of him. Two Konoha jounin, plus five more; probably genin with their sensei for the exam.

"Can I help you?" Kenta politely asked.

One of the jounin nodded, pushing his glasses up his nose in what looked like a habitual gesture before speaking. "Yes, please tell the Raikage that we'd like to speak with him."

Amuro Kenta, secretary to the Raikage, nodded. "Two teams from Konoha for the chuunin exam?"

The other jounin, wearing an old-fashioned face guard, nodded. "That's correct."

Kenta nodded and stood up from the desk, quietly stepping over to open the door to the Raikage's office.

I I I

The red light of sunset impressively backlit the massive desk through the huge glass windows of the office of the strongest ninja of Hidden Cloud.

He frowned, and immediately shuffled the more sensitive paperwork off his desk and into the drawers. He looked up as the office doors opened, and the ninja he had summoned came through.

Samui strode confidently forward, followed by Omoi and Karui. They had set aside their bickering for the meeting, but both were scowling at each other rather fiercely. Trailing politely is the chuunin administrator Raikage had sent for them, ghosting in behind the team of three. She bowed to the Raikage and stepped back, waiting.

The Raikage is unimpressive in appearance. Clad in the robes of the Office of Raikage, he looks like more like a stand-in than the mightiest Cloud nin. A man of medium height with the beginnings of frown lines on his face and brown hair beginning to go grey, he has the ideal appearance of "early middle age." Although strong, his forte is not taijutsu. Although intelligent, his forte is not genjutsu.

No, his forte is combining Earth and Air chakra. Combining two chakra elements is intensely personal and unique to everyone, practically a blood limit. With his Tenchijutsu, the Heaven And Earth Skill, the Raikage is uncontested as an absolute, the Strongest of Hidden Cloud.

Sitting behind his desk in his office, the only thing that hints at what a hazard he represents is the muted aura of chakra that he habitually wraps around himself, surrounding himself with his signature power. Great strength hinted at under an unremarkable appearance; in many ways, Samui thinks with some bitterness, this man represents the exact opposite of everything Yotsuki-Raikage ever was.

"You summoned us… sir." Samui said, pausing just long enough to call attention to the so-called show of respect.

Deep inside himself, the Raikage sighed at having to once more play power-games with the stoic woman.

"Yes." The Raikage said. "During the upcoming chuunin exam, the three of you will be on rotation as the examiners for the third section."

Omoi responded to that. "That sounds a different kind of mission profile than we normally get. Unless there's some crazy insane prodigy, and they're gonna use summoning jutsu and immediately try to feed everybody to big honking tigers, and we're gonna have to fight our way free, and then—" Before he could say more, he was silenced by Karui kicking him and calling him dumb.

Raikage didn't sigh at the antics of the two, although it took some effort. "Nothing like that. It doesn't really matter who runs the exam tournament, as long as they're jounin competent enough to not get hurt by genin and loud enough to be heard when they make announcements."

Omoi scowled. "I dunno, this mission… it's not really our sort of gig, you know?"

"It is a calculated statement on my part." The Raikage agreed. "To present the illusion that you three fools are loyal to me."

Samui stiffened.

"Hey!" Karui shouted, reaching over her shoulder to grab one of her swords. "What exactly are you saying about us, eh?"

Immediately, an immense pressure of chakra descends on the three, staggering them. They are jounin, so they aren't forced into sweating and hyperventilation by the Raikage's aura, but it is a clear reminder. "It's fine if you don't like me." The Raikage says, casually walking around the desk. "As long as you obey me absolutely; as long as you are professional; I don't mind if you disagree." The Raikage stops before them. "In fact… I'll even offer you the same deal I was offered the previous Raikage. 'If you don't like the way I run things, then you can always take the Hat by force.'"

Samui snarled up at the supreme commander of her village. "And just for that you killed sensei's older brother?"

"Yes." Raikage said, and Samui glared at the man, glares that both Omoi and Karui also level on the man. "But…" the Raikage said, backlit by the blood-red sun and shadowed by the robes and hat of his office, "but, if you fight me here, I definitely won't spare your lives."

The tension is broken as the door to the office is opened. "There are some ninja to see you, sir." Amuro Kenta said; he politely ignored the anger in the room, instead pretending it didn't happen while he performed his duties as the Raikage's immediate secretary.

The Raikage spoke. "I understand that you hate me. But the previous Raikage was a fool who believed enough strength removed the need for thought. He was poison." He walked behind his desk, and calmly sat back down. "You three are the students of his brother, and probably the three most loyal to him that are left. So. If you go out there as my ninja, obeying my will, then it will present a message that Kumo is unified to the ones with the intelligence networks to know who you are; the other great villages."

Samui spoke. "So you want to make it look like we've forgiven you?"

Raikage sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, before nodding.

Samui pursued her lips, even as Karui growled. "Thanks… but we decline."

"When you became jounin," Raikage spoke, "You gave up certain rights. One of those rights was the privilege to refuse missions."

Omoi was the one that replied to that. "That's it then? We just gotta act like everything's okay, like it's okay you killed the Raikage to take his place?"

"Yes." The Raikage said flatly. "If that's all, then you're dismissed."

"But—" Karui snarled.

"Then, we'll excuse ourselves." Samui interrupted.

The Raikage waved absently as they left, exiting onto the balcony for ninja skilled enough to jump between buildings or plummet to the ground unharmed.

The Raikage slumped back in his seat, rubbing his face with his hands.

"Sir." Kenta said.

"What?" Raikage replied.

"There are a group of Konoha ninja waiting. They would like tickets to participate in the chuunin exam."

"Fine." Raikage said, sitting up straight and smoothing his ceremonial robes. "Send them in." He paused. "My hat is on straight, right?"

Kenta considered. "Yes, sir."

He turned and opened the door, stepping into the foyer beyond his desk. Somehow more paperwork has appeared; looks like a stack of budget requests that the Raikage will have to look over, and Kenta will have to review them. Sometimes, Kenta is willing to swear there is some kind of cursed summoning technique on his desk.

Kenta also notices there are more people. There's a boy in orange, talking rather loudly and the center of attention. He wonders why Yugito is there; emotionally distant, Yugito is a jinchuuriki, not attached to any team or squad, deployed wherever the Cat is needed. Kenta doesn't really feel comfortable around her. There's also a ninja from Hidden Sand, under the thickest makeup Kenta has ever seen.

Kenta clears his throat. They all knew he was there, of course, they were instantly aware when he came out of the office, but it's the polite thing to do. "The Raikage will see you now." He announced, stepping back to push open the door so they could all file in.

I I I

"Good Afternoon." Ebisu said, taking the initiative. "Under the name Ebisu, I nominate Team Six—Sarutobi Konohamaru, Naiashin Moegi, and Kinjikai Udon, Konoha genin all, for the Chuunin exam being hosted by Kumogakure in the seventh month." He stepped back.

Taking the cue, Yamato stepped forward. "Under the name Tenzou Yamato, I nominate Hyuuga Hanabi, Ese Sai, and Uzumaki Naruto, Konoha genin all, the same."

Kankuro stepped forward. "Under the name Kankuro no Sabaku, I nominate Areno no Genkuro, Gidaiyuu Michi, and Ryousan Masahiro, Suna genin all, the same."

"I thought you said they were all from Konoha." Raikage said dryly.

Kenta didn't shrug. "Well, they were when I left. There might be a couple more teams when I go back out."

Raikage grunted. "Well, then, as per SOP, I now open the floor to objections." He barely paused, and had opened his mouth to speak when he noticed that Yugito had stepped forward. "Well. I guess there actually is an objection."

"Sir." Yugito said. "Under the name Nii Yugito, I object to the inclusion of Uzumaki Naruto in the exam."

Naruto opened his mouth, but whatever he was goin to say was stopped by the look Yugito shot him. Half apologetic and half dismayed, it was clear she didn't want to do this.

Raikage also noticed. "Well. On what grounds do you object, Nii Yugito, Kumo jounin."

"Sir." Yugito paused, trying to decide how to phrase this. "Please check the listing for Uzumaki Naruto in the Bingo Book."

Raikage's expression didn't change, except his eyebrows both moved up a centimeter. "Well. Huh." He opened a draw, and rummaged around, frowning. Finally he closed the drawer and opened a drawer on the other side of his desk. After a bit more shuffling, his frown deepened. "Kenta."

"Yes, sir." Kenta said, stepping forward from where he had been politely lurking in the back.

"Where the devil is my bingo book?"

Kenta paused. "I think you left it in your other office."

"You mean the new one that used to be a torture room?"

"No, sir, your other new office, the one in the civilian administration building, the high-access one."

"Then what the devil is my bingo book doing in my least secure office?"

"I believe you where thumbing through it while Aoutonji was formally complaining about the damage to the roofs of his apartment buildings in the Green Hill neighborhood."

"Ah, yes, I remember now." The Raikage paused. "You wouldn't happen to have a copy of our bingo book, would you, Kenta?"

"As a chuunin, I only have clearance for Class Three intelligence." Kenta paused. "That said, yes, I do sir."

"Excellent. Can I borrow it?"

"Only if you promise that you won't lose it, sir."

The Raikage grunted, waving his hand half-heartedly.

Kenta sighed as he opened the door. "At least this time you were honest enough not to promise anything."

"I totally hope I'm this awesome when I become Hokage." Naruto whispered to Konohamaru.

A second later, a manila envelope whipped through the air, and the Raikage caught it, opening the clasp and dumping the plain blue book onto his desk. He opened it and leafed through, until he got to the correct page.

Naruto fidgeted while the Raikage read, lips moving slightly.

"Uzumaki Naruto." The Raikage said. "According to this, you're at least A-rank, plus you're the same kind as Yugito. Frankly speaking, if we fought, I would be taking you seriously." He shook his head. "Leaving aside the threat you represent to the other participants, wouldn't it look bad to sneak something like you into a chuunin exam?"

Naruto looked at Yamato, and then at Ebisu. Naruto half-wanted to rant and rave, but frankly being told he was overqualified was a new experience for him. "Uh, I guess the only thing I can say is that I'm really a genin. I didn't pass the last time I took the exam, and I only took it the one time."

Raikage pursed his lips. "Why don't you tell me about that one exam you took. How far did you get?"

Naruto shrugged. "Well, I got to the tournament, the third section, and I won my first fight! But then Orochimaru invaded and it was pretty hectic and I sorta had to go take care of something."

Kankuro coughed.

Naruto shrugged at Kankuro, with a 'what can you do' expression.

Raikage tapped his desk. "Tell me about that fight."

Naruto shrugged. "Well, I fought against Hyuuga Neji, and it was pretty close. He wailed on me pretty hard, but in the end I had more staying power."

Raikage frowned, and checked the bingo book again. "According to this, Hyuuga Neji was promoted to chuunin two years ago." He raised an eye. "And the rumor that he was promoted to jounin?"

"News to me." Naruto said, shrugging.

"Huh." Raikage said, tapping his desk some more. "And what was that something you had to take care of?"

Naruto winced. "Sabaku no Gaara."

"The Kazekage."

"Well, at the time, it was more Shukaku, really."

"The One-Tailed Beast. You took on a bijuu by yourself?"

Naruto shook his head. "Not by myself! I had to summon Gamabunta to help me."

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Raikage began, "but isn't Gamabunta the boss summon of the Toad clan?"

Naruto nodded.

Raikage nodded back. "Uh huh. You know, if one of my genin had to interrupt his chuunin exam to defeat a jinchuuriki, then I would promote them to special jounin. At least."

Naruto shrugged expansively. "I guess they didn't think I was leadership material."

Raikage nodded some more, tapping his desk. "Okay. Okay, I'll let you participate, as long as you swear a legally binding oath not to murder, maim, or otherwise permanently harm any of the other participants. This includes psychological damage from genjutsu, understand."

Naruto nodded. "I'll do it."

Raikage clapped his hands together. "Okay, then, I formally overrule Nii Yugito's objection." He paused. "Are there any other objections?"

He waited a beat before continuing. "Yugito?"

"None, sir."

"You sure?" Raikage pressed. "Speak now or forever hold your peace."

"No. Sir." Yugito said.

"Great!" Raikage said, opening his desk drawer to pull out some exam tickets. He paused. "Kenta," he began, "where the devil are the chuunin exam tickets?"

I I I

"I think I have a new role model." Naruto began.

"Seriously, don't." Yugito said. "He's like that all the time. He loses about half the reports anyone turns in and misreads the other half. He has his chuunin assistants write up all the mission assignments after the third time he accidently sent espionage agents to a wrong target!" Yugito shook her head. "He's better at politics than the Yotsuki-Raikage and he's better at long-term planning, but the man couldn't run an office if his life depended on it." Yugito paused. "I probably shouldn't be talking about our Raikage's weaknesses, should I."

Naruto chuckled. "Ah, don't worry about it. Old Lady Tsunade is an alcoholic."

"So, is it really okay for you to skip out on your jounin-sensei like this?" Yugito said.

Naruto frowned, considering the question. "Well… seeing as how Kage Bunshin transmit their memories back to the user when the jutsu ends, I'm not sure this counts as actually skipping."

"You know what I mean." Yugito said. "Creating a bunshin and leaving it while you run off totally counts."

Naruto shrugged. "To be honest, at this point, I'm only doing it because it annoys him."

Yugito shook her head. "You're terrible."

Naruto chuckled. "Yeah, I've picked up some pretty terrible habits from my teachers." He smiled, taking in the sights as the two ambled along the roads of Kumogakure. "So, what was with objecting to me testing back there."

Yugito paused. "You know how it is. It was just business."

Naruto frowned. "No, I don't know. I mean… why would you object if you didn't trust me? Aren't we friends?"

Yugito sighed. "I like to think we are, Naruto. But… business is business. Just because I'm friends with you doesn't mean that I can let that get in the way of my job. I had to object because you're so much stronger than the other genin."

Naruto thought about that, before shaking his head. "Yugito… do you really think that me being stronger means I'd use that to hurt them?"

Yugito shook her head. "I can't know for sure. I can't risk it."

"What the hell, Yugito, if you're my friend you should know me better than that."

"It doesn't matter! Naruto, we're shinobi. We can't let our personal feelings get in the way of our jobs. Even if we're friends… no matter what I feel for you, Naruto, at the end of the day we're still from opposing villages. That will always be between us."

Naruto frowned. "Just because of that… Yugito, there's never going to be a case where being from different villages will get between my friendships."

"Ha!" Yugito said. "An example, then. Kumogakure accepts a contract to assassinate someone. Konohagakure accepts a contract to protect the target. You and I are the ninja deployed by our villages to do the mission. What then, Naruto?"

Naruto pondered. "I guess… I guess we'd sit down and decide together whether they should live or die."

Yugito shook her head, disbelieving. "It doesn't work that way! It doesn't work that way, Naruto. Shinobi complete their mission no matter what."

"Shinobi complete their mission no matter what." Naruto repeated sourly. "That's really dumb. My first C-rank mission… it was a total mess, we were hired to protect a guy, and it turns out some missing-nin were sent after him. We fought, and because it was his mission, one of the missing-nin died. And then, his employer betrayed them! He was never planning on paying them in the first place, and they knew it!" Naruto shook his head. "To say 'no matter what,' and not think about the consequences… that's just an excuse for shinobi who don't want to be responsible for the consequences."

"That doesn't matter!" Yugito objected. "Even if, even if that's true, completing the mission you're given is still the core of what being a shinobi is! You can't turn your back on that."

"I can't." Naruto allowed. "But I can change it. I will change it. Once I'm Hokage-"

"Even one Kage can't make a difference!" Yugito said. "It's not just about what Uzumaki Naruto, Rokudaime Hokage, thinks is best, thinks is right. There's a whole world of shinobi out there, and you have to exist in their world. Hell… that's our world, Naruto."

Naruto grunted. "I still say it doesn't matter who they are, I won't betray my friends."

"Is that how it is?" Yugito said. "You think I betrayed you, because I did my duty to my village?"

"Oh, Yugito, I didn't mean it like that, you-"

"I wonder." Yugito cut in. "Well, I'm sorry I chose my village over you, Naruto. But I'm a proud Kumo shinobi before I'm anything to you. You're just going to have to accept that."

"Yugito-"

"I think," Yugito said, quieter, "that we should both leave, before one of us says something that they're going to regret later."

"I'm sorry." Naruto said. "It was wrong of me to even think of it as a betrayal. You were doing what you thought was best. But, ah, I just realized, it's getting pretty late, and I kinda need a place to stay for the night."

Yugito stared at him for a minute. "Aren't genin taking the exam given barrack lodging?" Before Naruto could answer, Yugito spoke again, "Wait, before that, I mean, how do you have the gall to ask me if you can stay in my house when I'm in the middle of storming off on you?"

Naruto shrugged, looking sheepish. "Well, uh, I dunno if it's gall or anything like that. But we are friends, and pretty good ones, I think, and it's okay if friends fight. Just because you're angry with me, that doesn't mean you're not precious to me."

Yugito paused, and stepped closer to Naruto. "But we were still fighting."

Naruto grinned, putting his hands behind his head. "Friends fight. That's normal. Healthy, even, maybe. But just because of a fight I'm not going to stop caring about you. No matter what."

Yugito considered that, before looking away. "You're very sly, you know that."

Naruto opens his mouth, and almost says 'Sakura-chan always calls me an idiot though,' but some instinct, that sounds like Jiraiya or Sakura herself, tells Naruto not to. So instead, he thinks about it, and says, "No one's ever said that to me before."

Yugito smiled softly. "Naruto… you should be more careful of the way you talk to me. I don't want to be the only one with a thread tied to me."

Naruto paused. "I'm, uh, I think you lost me there, Yugito."

"Of course." Yugito said, rolling her eyes. She turned and began walking away.

Naruto paused, wondering if he should follow her.

"You know," Yugito called over her shoulder, "I'm only going to let you sleep on the couch, and my apartment isn't that big, and I'm not going to cook for you unless you take turns and also cook for me, okay?"

Naruto smiled, and jumped, bouncing off the side of a roof to land in front of Yugito and start walking backwards. "That sounds great."

I I I

Yamato cleared his throat. "And here are the barracks. You don't have to stay here, but it's courteous to stay where the host village can keep an eye on you. Besides, a hotel can get expensive quickly, and they always have the highest rates up to and during the final of the final portion of the exam. It's the closest thing hotels in a Hidden Village have to a busy season."

Sai nodded. He was probably the most nervous of all the genin; being an ANBU operative did nothing to make him comfortable about sleeping in a bed provided by another village.

Naruto cleared his throat. It was loud and designed to get attention. Sai was beginning to wonder if everything Naruto did could be described that way.

"Yes, Naruto?" Yamato said wearily.

"What if, say, we wanted to stay at a friend's place?" He said, with the fakest innocence that Yamato had ever seen.

Yamato quirked an eyebrow. "A friend, huh? I would prefer you stay in the barracks, especially after that debacle in the Raikage's office. It would be best to act cooperative."

Naruto nodded. "Huh."

Yamato had a sudden, awful suspicion. "Naruto… why do you ask?"

Naruto flinched. "Well… maybe I'm asking someone if I can stay at their place?"

Yamato frowned. "So you're asking, present tense, huh?"

Naruto nodded.

Yamato looked at the ground, then suddenly looked up, glaring at Naruto with the intense, shadowed expression only he could accomplish. "Naruto… you wouldn't happen to be a Kage Bunshin while the real self is off gallivanting around again, would you?"

"Gah!" Naruto said, holding up his hands. "I'm just a fake, like you said, so why punish me instead of the real one!?"

"Because he'll still get this memory." Yamato growled, then sighed, looking at the ground. "I wonder how on earth Kakashi-sempai put up with your antics."

"Actually I'm pretty sure I picked most of this up from him." Naruto admitted.

Yamato grimly had to admit to himself the kid was probably right.

I I I

"Are you still giving me the silent treatment?"

The silence was quite oppressive. It seemed, Kisame mused, that yes, Itachi was still giving him the silent treatment. Undeterred, Kisame leaned forward to pick up another stick of dango and munch one thoughtfully before continuing.

"Well, I assure you that I had a good reason for aggravating the Pein into giving us this assignment." Kisame began. "Kakuuzu's plan—"

"I see." Itachi interrupted. "There's no need to say more."

"And there's something more to consider." Kisame said, smiling. "If all five villages are there, all five Kage will be there. Probably with the kinds of bodyguards they'd take to a place where other Kage will be with their elite bodyguards." He grinned, turning to gesture at his partner with a dango skewer. "And I know you've been itching for a rematch with the Tsuchikage after she almost got you last time."

Itachi paused before eating one of his own dango. "I am more powerful than I was then."

"But is she, you wonder." Kisame rejoined. "I know how you think. The thought that she has also prepared, researched the weaknesses of the sharingan and of you, personally… that thought delights you."

Itachi simply finishes chewing his dango and swallows, without acknowledging what Kisame has said. Suddenly, he focuses on something in the distance. "Kisame." He said, although he already had his partner's attention.

Kisame considers doing the gag where he keeps talking, oblivious, until Itachi finally interrupts and curtly explains he was trying to bring up something new; Itachi is such an excellent straight man for those kinds of gags that Kisame is willing to swear it's on purpose. But this sounds a little more serious than something gag-worthy. So Kisame answers seriously.

"What is it?" The shark man says, quietly enough that Itachi will know he's all business, now.

Itachi gestures with his chin, and Kisame turns to look, before smiling. "Well… look what just fell into our lap."

Kisame turns back to finish off the last dango on his stick, considering the irony of it all. Two years they had been chasing rumors of the Yonbi, wondering how the oldest of the jinchuuriki knew to go to ground, and all of a sudden the wily old man is just sitting out before them, wearing the coat of a local dice hall, still wearing that distinctive mark across his old face.

It's funny how things just work out sometimes, Kisame muses.

I I I

AN: So if Amuro Kenta is Peter Gibbons, then Kazahana Koyuki is Michael Bolton and Choedon (he hasn't shown up yet) is Samir Nagheenanajar. Naturally the three of them will be getting a get-rich-quick scheme as a subplot. This was back when I decided that the Raikage would talk like Bill Lumbergh to offset his hyper-competence and push him out of Mary Sue territory. I think instead this Raikage is turning out brutally honest, uncharismatic, and forgetful of administrative details.

When they first appear, Team Samui (except Samui) are arguing about how ravens are like writing desks. Koyuki is correct. The riddle doesn't have a canonical "correct answer" since the Mad Hatter was interrupted before he could tell Alice. Omoi comes close, though, since eventually Carroll gave in to all the people who kept bothering him for an answer and formulated the answer "for both can issue a note, though it is very flat, and for neither could one mistake the back from the front!"

Christ, I didn't major in English lit, how the hell do I pick this trivia up?

So. Roshi the Yonbi host (I called him Shisui before his name came out). Who's interested in Roshi vs. Kisame? There were a lot of fights that were basically skipped over in the manga because they didn't really involve any central characters (Kisame vs. Roshi, Zombie Twins vs. Yugito, the Sanbi capture), but since this is fanfiction, I can bloat it up with relatively unimportant scenes as much as I damn well please.


	3. First Exam Portion Beginning

**Chapter Three: First Exam Portion (Beginning)**

I I I

There was someone pounding on the door. Yugito lurched out of bed, pulled on a bathrobe, and ran for the door. Naruto, she noted bitterly, was contently sleeping through the racket.

Yugito checked the clock. It was barely five in the morning.

Yugito reached the door and threw it open. "What." She hissed.

A Konoha genin she didn't recognize was standing there. He flinched and seemed to be trying to retreat, turtle-like, into his huge scarf. "Uh, I was wondering if maybe Naruto was there?"

Yugito closed her eyes, forcing herself to calm down. Yes, she remembered that the first portion of the chuunin exam started at exactly six in the morning. Yes, it was Naruto's fault that he wasn't awake for it. No, it wouldn't do to take it out on this poor kid.

"Give him a minute." Yugito growled.

Konohamaru stared as she slammed the door. He hesitated, unsure of what he should be doing.

Then he heard the slinky blond chick Naruto had crashed with start talking.

"Naruto, get up! You're going to be late."

A pause.

"No, I don't know where your pants went. At least put a shirt on. Aren't you cold?"

Indistinct murmuring.

"I don't care! You're going to be late!"

Louder sounds, and then the door opened. "Sorry Konohamaru!"Naruto said, strapping his kunai holster to his thigh as he awkwardly half-walked, half-hopped out the door. "I guess we were up kinda late, talking and stuff, and I didn't bring an alarm clock, so…"

"Just when I thought I might be able to catch up…" Konohamaru said, jealously, but also with some awe. "Naruto, you know that you are the man I look up to, right?"

I I I

Hanabi resisted the urge to fidget. It was getting close to six, and if Naruto made her late for the very first part of her first chuunin exam, she didn't think she'd be able to forgive him.

Worse, Sai was the single most obnoxious person Hanabi had ever met. He didn't bother her quite as much as Naruto, but that was because Naruto was supposed to be an elite; Hanabi was increasingly sure that Sai had some sort of personality defect.

"I hope Dickless gets here on time." Sai said, seeming to somehow know that Hanabi was thinking about him.

It reminded Hanabi too much of the screeching, juvenile humor of her so-called peers. At least, she thought, exposure to the likes of Naruto had inoculated Konohamaru to that. His naughty humor was so mature it made Hanabi feel uncomfortable.

"He will be on time." Hanabi said darkly. But still quietly.

They weren't the only pair that was waiting by the side of the Cloud Academy building waiting for a team-mate. A pair of boys wearing Mist headbands were waiting as well, although they were being completely silent. One was wearing the one-piece jumpsuit typically worn by chuunin and jounin with what looked like a light-duty life vest with a huge Mist logo on the back; the other was wearing a coat that reminded Hanabi a little bit of her sister's teammate, Shino, but he had two swords hanging off his belt.

They made Hanabi nervous. No, that wasn't quite right; the reputation of Mist nin made her nervous. These two were just genin, and anyway they at least seemed to have more social ability then Sai.

Sai was still smiling, and he glanced to the side. Hanabi, curious, also looked; a girl, wearing a Mist headband, was running down the road. She was wearing what looked like a jacket over a bathing suit; the result would have been called cute if it wasn't for the vicious trench-knives she had strapped all around her body.

"Sorry I'm late." She said, breathing deeply. "I, uh, I have to admit I slept through my alarm." Her name is Kitamakura Fuguko and she was so nervous last night she didn't fall asleep until almost two.

"It's fine." The one in the vest said. "We've still got time." He smiled slightly. "You haven't let us down."

"Yes." Agreed the one in the coat.

Sai stiffened, glancing sharply towards them, and the three Mist chuunin responded, readying themselves, and Hanabi drew herself up, wondering what had distracted Sai.

In the same instant, there was an explosion of smoke, and suddenly Naruto was standing in the middle of the five, coughing as he waved the smoke away.

"Ugh," he said, "I guess the super shunshin was a success… mostly."

"You almost made us late." Hanabi said, tone too neutral to be accusing.

"Yeah, well, uh…I'm sorry." Naruto said. Then, he held up a box, and pulled open the lid. "As an apology, have a donut."

Hanabi stared down. Indeed, the box was filled with over a dozen donuts of many varieties.

"Next time, get bagels, Dickless." Sai said. Still, he reached for a donut and pulled out an apple fritter.

It disappeared from his hand.

Abruptly, Fuguko gagged, her mouth forced open. Her hands shot to her mouth, and encountered something sticky. It was an apple fritter.

"I'd rather give my donut to some random girl than an asshole like you!" Naruto shouted.

The sound of a sword being drawn pulled the attention of the three Konoha genin to the Mist team.

"I don't appreciate you drawing us in to your dispute." The boy in the jacket said.

Naruto smiled. "Would you like a donut too?" He said, proffering the box.

The boy paused, seriously considered it.

"We're going to be late." The one in the life vest gently reminded.

"We should be going, as well." Hanabi said. Then she started walking towards the building the first part of the exam would be held in.

"Thanks." The girl said to Naruto as she munched on her apple fritter. "I was late too, so I had to skip breakfast. I really appreciate it!"

"You're welcome." Naruto said, smiling. "But, you should never skip breakfast! That's the very first thing my jounin-sensei ever taught me."

Hanabi, who was about to scold Naruto when she realized that he was late because he stopped to buy donuts, paused when she heard his reasoning. "What?" She asked.

"It's true!" Naruto said. "When we first met, right after graduation, he told us that training the next day would be super-hard and we shouldn't eat breakfast." He nodded seriously. "When he finally showed up four hours after he told us to meet, we were all starving."

"That's the opposite, Dickless." Sai said.

"Then he told us we needed to look underneath the underneath." Naruto said. "So, I realized he was showing us that it's always important to have breakfast, even when you have an important mission."

"That's actually quite wise." Said the boy in the vest. "My name is Amenbo. As for my teammates, this gentleman is named Tadaki, and this lady here is called by Fuguko."

"The pleasure is ours!" Naruto announced. "You wouldn't guess it to hear him talk, but Sai here is some kind of competent, and Hanabi is crazy good even for a Hyuuga!" He leaned in, and whispered behind his hand. "I hope you're okay with her having a bloodline, because otherwise you'll have to answer to me." Then he dashed forward to strike a pose in front of the group. "As for me, I'm the guy that can ride toads and lie to any Kage with a straight face! That's me: Uzumaki Naruto!"

The three Mist genin traded looks.

"I've certainly never met anyone with those qualifications before." Amenbo offered diplomatically. "However… if I may ask, do you happen to be related to Uzumaki Kizuno?"

Naruto paused. "I've never met anyone else named Uzumaki before." He quietly admitted.

"Kizuno-sensei is the only Uzumaki we know." The girl offered. "Other than you, now, Naruto."

"Huh." Naruto said, rubbing his chin as he walked backwards facing the group. "Well… I'm an orphan, and I was probably named after the Yondaime Hokage's late wife, Uzumaki Kushina. So even if Kizuno was related to her… I'm not."

"I see." Amenbo said. "If I may ask another question, Naruto-san, would you happen to have any glazed donuts?"

"I like bear claws." Tadaki volunteered.

Naruto smiled, and opened his box.

I I I

The doors to the exam room opened, and Naruto smiled in nostalgia, remembering. His team had been one of the last ones in last time, too, and he still recalled shouting a challenge to all of the genin assembled there. But there wouldn't be time for that now. He returned Konohamaru's wave from across the room, and then the clock ticked to exactly six.

With a screech and a roar, the bay window exploded inwards, and a huge earthen dragon, moving at least three times faster than any doton Naruto had ever seen, slammed into the room and writhed about until it formed a desk and chair, and then solidified, hardened by a different application of jutsu.

The Raikage appeared in a swirl of fog, the Kumo Shunshin. He was dressed like a regular jounin, instead of wearing the robes of the Raikage. He looked much more comfortable with a forehead protector than a Tri-Corner Hat. He slid into the chair behind the desk.

Without acknowledging them, the Raikage slid open a fully functional drawer on the left side of the desk, and frowned into it. He slammed it shut with dissatisfaction.

"Well. Good morning… and welcome to the Chuunin Exam." He began. "I am the proctor for the first portion of the exam today. I'd give my name, but I surrendered it when I became Raikage. As for the exam, the first part will last exactly fourteen hours from when you are dismissed from here."

He cleared his throat. "The first portion is simple. Each team will be issued a plastic tag. It will be one of four colors. In fourteen hours, you will come back and present your tag. Two of those colors will pass."

"I was going to hand them out now and send you immediately on your way, but, well…" He gestured to his desk. "So, I guess instead I'll open the floor to questions until my secretary gets here with those tags."

Immediately, voices began to speak, a cacophony of noise.

A huge killing intent washed over the group; Naruto happened to meet Sai's eyes, and saw that the other boy also realized that the Raikage had used a kanashibari on the group. Paralyzing opponents with terror was a function of how much stronger your chakra was then theirs. It was best on animals and civilians, who had only instinctive control of their chakra, but practically worthless on other ninja, unless you had vastly superior reserves—like a Kage above a genin or inexperienced chuunin.

"Right." The Raikage said. "How about some hands, hmm?"

The pressure was released.

The first hand up belonged to a boy in a Suna headband. His black catsuit reminded Naruto of Kankuro, and two other Suna genin in the same catsuits were clearly his teammates. This was probably the study group Kankuro had mentioned. The boy with his hand up was the only one not carrying a big package of some kind that most likely held a puppet.

"My name's Masahiro. I'm from Suna." The boy introduced himself. "Um, I guess my question is, what's the point of the exam?"

"It's not obvious?" The Raikage asked.

"Well… it's better to ask the client again if you can rather than assume you understand what they want, right?" The boy countered.

The Raikage nodded. "All right. It doesn't really matter which tag you got; the only thing that matters is which tag you have at the end of the exam. You can trade each other."

"I still don't understand." Masahiro said.

"All right." The Raikage said, sitting back. "Okay, imagine this. You are assigned to intercept a target. They're a civilian without bodyguards; apprehending the target is a trivial task for anyone in this room. But you have a limited window of time, and you only know they're coming through town. You have to gather information and determine the best place to ambush them. That's the idea of the exam."

A Cloud boy in a cloth vest vigorously waved his hand.

"What is it, Gonta." The Raikage sighed.

"So, so, what's to stop a team from simply mugging other teams and getting all four colors?" Gonta asked.

Raikage smiled. It wasn't very pleasant. "What, you think you're above the law because you're a ninja on a mission? Nothing's stopping you… except the other teams. Of course, the first field test for my Sword Squads is today. They've been deployed in teams of four and charged with keeping the peace. If you're caught fighting in public then you have to deal with a bunch of antsy special jounin instead."

The Raikage raised his hands, expressively. "If you've got the ability to fight… that's easy to see. Obvious. But what if that town you need to apprehend the target in is an enemy village?" He shrugged. "The difference between genin and chuunin… it isn't combat ability. It's how well you can act on limited information." He laid his hands on his desk. "And how well you can misinform the enemy." The Raikage nodded seriously. "A chuunin is trusted to perform missions while a genin is not."

Naruto raised his hand.

Raikage stared at him for a moment, before nodding.

"Yo! I'm Uzumaki Naruto from Konoha, and all you others better not forget it!" He shouted. "My question is, which colors will pass?"

The Raikage stared more. "Did you seriously ask that?"

"Well how the hell am I supposed to find out if I don't?"

The Raikage considered that. "Okay. The answer is Purple."

"That's only one color." Naruto pointed out.

The Raikage rolled his eyes. "Well, I think everyone here will understand if I say that I lied when I answered that particular question."

Next to Naruto, Amenbo raised his hand.

Raikage pointed. "Mist kid in the floatation device."

"Um, yes. My name is Amenbo. Thank you." He began. "It's nice to say that information gathering is important, but that implies the information can be gathered. So, my question is, do many people know what colors will pass?"

Raikage nodded. "Going deeper than just asking who knows the answer, huh?" He said. "Alright. I've spread rumors. Go out and ask around town. Maybe the guy working the counter at my favorite sandwich shop knows. But," he began, "if you think the Sword Squads come down hard on ninja fighting each other, if you harass my citizens, they will instantly, totally kill you. And we might demand your jounin-sensei cut open their belly as restitution if you do somehow manage to hurt sandwich counter guy before you get sizzled. So be warned."

The door opened behind Naruto, and he turned to look; he recognized the man standing there.

"Kenta!" Raikage said. "Just the man I was hoping to see."

"Yes," Kenta sighed, "I imagine you would be after you forgot these." He said, holding up a bag.

"Alright!" The Raikage said, clapping his hands, "everybody line up with your team; three exam tickets for a randomly assigned color tag."

I I I

Naruto, Sai, and Hanabi were sitting cross-legged on the roof of an apartment building overlooking the courtyard outside the Academy building the first exam was started in, looking at the green-colored tag that was lying on the ground before them.

"Damn." Naruto said, sighing. "If we had gotten a red or blue tag off the bat this would have been so much easier."

"Just because red and blue make purple doesn't mean they're better than green or yellow." Hanabi scolded. "He practically told us it was a worthless hint, anyway."

"Which is the bigger lie, the lie or lying about a lie?" Naruto shot back. "Anyway," he plowed on, "we need a strategy for how we're going to make sure I'm right… or find out if I'm wrong."

He looked up, and the other three also looked up to see Naruto walk up to himself.

"Hey." He said, waving to the group as he approached.

"You get them?" The Naruto on the ground said.

"Yup." Naruto said, offering his seated self a shopping bag from an office supply store.

"Nice." Naruto said as his bunshin, errand complete, burst into nothingness. He opened the bag and pulled out stacks of tags, exactly the same as the ones that had been handed out earlier, in plastiwrapped stacks of 100, one stack of each color.

Sai raised an eyebrow. "Well… it's true there's no so thing as cheating."

"These?" Naruto said. "These are for pawning off on suckers if we get the chance." He reached for the tag on the ground, and frowned, flowing a sliver of chakra out of his fingers into it. "Hanabi, if you could look at this with your Byakugan, please."

Hanabi did as requested, frowning as her doujutsu showed there was more to the tag than was visible. "What's that weird shape your chakra is flowing into?"

Naruto nodded. "That's a really low-key fuinjutsu. Super-simple, it doesn't do anything except resonate with chakra. It doesn't produce any visible or audible effect, it doesn't even get warm." Naruto explained. "Unless your chakra is exactly the right frequency, in which case all it does is light up a little bit."

Naruto shrugged, putting the tag down. "But because everyone's chakra is a slightly different frequency… it's practically impossible unless it's your seal." He pointed. "That 'mark' is about as simple as fuinjutsu gets, but it's so simple it's practically foolproof; there just isn't enough to tamper with. Unless you're an insanely skilled prodigy that can alter your chakra frequency, the only person that can activate it is the person that put it on. So the Raikage's got some pretty good fraud detection on these things actually."

"But that's not the kind of thing most genin would know about." Hanabi finished.

Naruto nodded. "Exactly."

I I I

Ruta closed his eyes, focusing on the staff pressing up into his outstretched palm, channeling his chakra into the tool. "God," he prayed, "grant us your guidance."

His eyes snapped open as he whipped his hand straight up, and he watched as his short staff slowly tipped over and fell, clattering to the ground.

It had been at the center of two crossed chalk lines, and the four areas generated by this method were labeled "green", "yellow," "red", and "blue."

The staff came to rest on the portion of the ground that had "red" scratched in it.

"I don't know which is crazier," his female teammate commented, "that you always do that…"

"Or that it's always right." Finished Ruta's male teammate. They were twins, brother and sister, and good looking at a time in Rain's history when such looks were more of a curse than a blessing for orphaned children. If a jounin hadn't noticed their potential and dragged them to the ninja academy, then they would probably have ended up in a brothel or a ditch.

He is called Gaitou; he uses genjutsu to hide their presence.

She is called Aikuchi; she uses taijutsu to attack from the hiding he provides.

They are always together, totally dependent on each other; it is their greatest strength and greatest weakness.

"I have faith in God." Ruta replied severely. "Having faith in God, I trust my path to His benevolent hands, and His guidance will never lead me astray."

"Yes, yes." Gaitou said, smiling. "But we have a yellow tag, we need a red one."

"Shouldn't God provide to his own?" Aikuchi added.

Ruta knew they were just trying to wind him up, but on the other hand, he was also always willing to pontificate until they regretted ever asking in the first place.

"It isn't our place to question God's guidance, merely to have faith that it is there." Ruta began with great conviction. "Having said that, however, it's a little arrogant to think that every little thing we do merits His attention. If we ask Him, he will always answer, but even an omniscient being probably doesn't really pay all that close attention to everything going on around them, and when you think about it, an omniscient being has a lot—literally everything!—going on around them. There is a teaching that—"

"Fine fine." Gaitou said, quickly cutting their teammate off. The twins are beginning to suspect that there is more to Ruta's responses than simply raising to the bait. "But now, we've graduated to the next question."

"How do we get a red tag?" Aikuchi said, finishing her brother's thought.

"God will provide a way." Ruta confidently responded. "But His divine providence is as mysterious as all of His workings, so it would probably be best for us to go forth seeking that providence He has so graciously provided."

"So we need to go steal a red tag from another team." Aikuchi said, rolling her eyes.

"That's what I said." Ruta responded, confused.

I I I

"How's the take looking, Bookie?"

The man called Bookie pushed the glasses up his nose so they would flash mysteriously in the light. He didn't know what kind of coating they had that made them do that so reliably but Shisui gave the best presents ever.

"Looks good." Bookie said finally. "Our new guy on the dice is… okay, but we're really leveraging the safety angle. It's not many halls that have a guarantee like Shisui."

Chouzouyama grunted. He had worried about taking in Shisui—jinuchuuriki were infamous for their power and instability—but he had owed the man for taking a mission on his behalf and, more cynically, he needed a big stick like that until he could rebuild a proper gang.

Three years later, he considered the Bookie and Shisui his most trusted lieutenants.

An accountant from Mist and an old bastard with a demon in his stomach. Life was funny, sometimes, Chouzouyama mused.

"Well," he said, "that's good, that's good. But we're coming up on that big festival, so-" he cut off, frowning. "What's that?"

He stood, and strode to the front of the room.

His breath caught.

One of his toughs was slumped on the ground, in front of two man that had pushed through the entryway and forced up onto the dice floor.

Black cloaks, with red clouds.

Chouzouyama had heard rumors, dark whispers about a group of elite missing-nin that would do anything, no matter how dangerous or evil, for the right price.

Akatsuki.

"Three years searching, and we find the bastard on our way to somewhere else." The tall one mused. He was blue and had a large thing wrapped in bandages over his shoulder.

"Hmn." The shorter one said. It was he who had knocked his tough down, using merely a glance. "We need to hurry, though."

"Shisui." Chouzouyama whispered. "Do you know these men?"

"I know of them. I've never met them." Shisui whispered back. "The blue one is Hoshigaki Kisame, the Diamyo Killer. And the other… Uchiha Itachi." Shisui swallowed. "That's Itachi the Genocide."

"Jinchuuriki of the Yonbi, Roshi." The one called Itachi said. "You will come with us."

"Shit." Chouzouyama swore.

I I I

"Sensei!"

Kamome turned, and smiled as her genin approached. "Hello, you three."

"The chuunin exam feels like a test of luck, sensei!" Gonta shouted. "I seriously don't know if this is actually testing us, or if it's all about hitting the jackpot!"

Kamome smiled softly. "Well, it has been said luck is an important trait for ninja to possess, my student." Her reserve cracking softly, she ruffled Gonta's hair.

"Sensei!" Gonta whined, grabbing Kamome's hand to stop her.

"The dolt has a point." Obei said. "I mean, this exam isn't fair at all. Half the examinees start with a default pass, and the other half start with a default fail."

"It is my duty as your jounin-sensei to teach you things that you need to know to succeed as a ninja." Kamome said. "It is under the auspice of that duty that I now teach you, my students, that sometimes life is not fair."

"Yeah okay we know." Yasuke said. "Great lesson, thank you, sensei. But, it's not about fair to us, it's about the villages making sure they've accurately assessed our abilities as chuunin."

"An excellent response." Kamome praised. "However, I must remind you that the exams have a strongly political element. Every village seeks to fulfill the complex treaty obligations regarding what a chuunin legally is, in terms of recognition and mission requirement, as well as using the exams as a tool to advertise their superiority over all other villages… all while obscuring their real strength."

Gonta frowned. "I'm gonna be honest, sensei, that kinda went over my head." Abruptly, he smiled. "Can you explain it to me again?"

"Teachercon." Obei whispered. Gonta kicked her in the shin.

Kamome wondered what Obei had whispered; it was probably nothing. "Very well, I will attempt to elucidate. However, I have a meeting I have to get to, so you will have to accompany me, Gonta."

"I'll accompany you anywhere, sensei." Gonta said, more earnestly than the situation required.

Yasuke and Obei watched their teammate walk off, animatedly talking with their sensei.

"You know," Yasuke began, "I know we give him a hard time about it all the time, but I'm kinda rooting for him, you know?"

Obei pursed her lips, considering. "Yeah."

I I I

Genji froze in place as the chuunin glanced behind him. He was slightly nervous about tailing a chuunin, but the man worked in an office (even if it was a Kage's office) and Genji was proud of his stealth.

Kenta sighed mightily. "You can come out now."

Perhaps Genji's pride was misplaced. Silently, he stood up from behind the air conditioner on the roof, and dropped to the ground next to the building.

"Whatta you want, kid?" Kenta said.

Genji cocked his head to the side, considering. "Well," he began, "I am a participant in the first portion of the chuunin exam." He paused. "And I was hoping to discern from you the correct answer."

Kenta considered the boy. A grass-nin, from the headband, it was difficult to guess his age because of the square of cloth hanging from across his cheeks and he wore the typical grass tunic with belt.

Genji resisted the urge to fidget. He realized that simply saying nothing was a basic interrogation tactic to get the opponent to reveal more than they intended, but that knowledge didn't make the experience less awkward.

"How about a bribe?" Kenta finally asked baldly.

Genji considered that. "Um."

Kenta rolled his eyes. "Please, it's not like either of us will get in trouble. Well, I'm actually supposed to drag it out and really make you earn it, but to be honest, I'm really busy."

Genji considered. It made sense. "Okay." It was a common shinobi saying that one must spend money to make money; Genji's mother muttered it to herself every time she had to purchase the explosive tags and poison she used on her missions.

"So what color you got, kid?"

"Blue." Genji said. His team had split up to gather information; luckily, he was the one that was trusted to carry the tag.

Kenta shook his head. "That's no good. You want Red or Yellow." He dug into his bag, the one that the tags had been initially dispensed from. "Tell you what, I'll trade you one of the spares for yours. But," he said, "It'll cost you a cool hundred."

Genji winced. That was a little steep. Worse, he was only carrying 80. "How about 50?" He countered.

Kenta raised an eyebrow. "Listen, I'm not trying to screw you by creating an expectation of any payment after the info was released. That's the easy part of the exam anyway. But the hard part is actually getting your mitts on a tag. So, I'll come down to 80."

Genji nodded. "Yeah, I understand, but if we compare the cost of a mission against genin opposition, then I think 65 is a better estimate."

Kenta pursed his lips. "You know, the whole reason I made the offer was because I'm in a hurry. I won't go any lower than 70."

"Deal." Genji said. He pulled out his wallet, and counted off the bills where Kenta could see.

Kenta, in turn, pulled out a single red tag and pushed the bag up onto his shoulder by the strap.

Both held their goods out in their left hand, and reached with their right, a classical way to exchange hand-held goods taught at the academy.

When they were both gripping, both let go simultaneously, and took three steps back, each holding their desired object.

Genji leaped back up, swinging around onto the roof and taking off to reconvene with his team.

Kenta looked down at the money he was holding. "Huh." He said, bemused.

The plan was for each Kage Bunshin to take a few tags of each color and fish for suckers. When they got a bite, return with the goods.

But if there was one thing Jiraiya taught by example, it was to relentlessly and shamelessly hustle everyone.

Whistling, Naruto's Kage Bunshin returned to the original.

I I I

Devastation.

Bookie crawled from the wreckage, blood streaming down his forehead. He blinked, trying to wipe his eye. There was little noise.

The whole city was burning, a wasteland of water damage and flame. The blue man had summoned a huge amount of water and pushed Shisui right through and out the instantly wrecked building, and then Shisui—Roshi?—had created lava to fight the man off with.

It had… escalated, supernatural tailed beast against the power of a cursed bloodline. Bookie had hoped to never see water like that again, not after leaving Mist.

But it didn't work. Bookie dragged himself through the rubble, and stumbled.

Of all things. Chouzouyama's corpse stared up at him, glass-eyed.

Bookie considered. He was planning on doing something very stupid. He would almost certainly fail and be killed. But he had only two friends in this world; one was dead and the other abducted. And a man had to stand up for his friends.

Bookie reached into the corpse's shirt, felt around past the broken ribs, and found the dosu. He pulled the wickedly sharp knife out, and set out to find the Akatsuki.

I I I

Itachi paused, and looked aside at Kisame, meeting the other man's eye. Kisame shrugged.

"Yes. Leader." Itachi said.

They frowned at the sky.

"We know we have a mission. But we encountered the target unexpectedly, so we took advantage of the opportunity in front of us." Itachi said.

Again, the sky.

"The mission hasn't been compromised." Kisame protested. "We're hardly going to be late because of this little detour."

Lucky, Bookie thought. They were distracted—talking over the radio? Possibly something even more exotic. Whatever. Wait for a chance. Shisui was hanging like a corpse off the end of the blue man's big wrapped-up thing, like a sack on a stick. But he knew his friend was alive.

"It's not an excuse." Itachi said. "We will complete our mission successfully."

Again, the pause. Bookie held his breath. Wait for it. Wait for it.

"Oh come on!" Kisame shouted.

Bookie lunged an instant after the blue man spoke, hoping to catch him off guard.

Still staring into space, Itachi twitched his arm.

Bookie fell to the ground, stone dead from the kunai buried to the hilt in his eye.

"Leave him?" Kisame continued, ignoring his partner's actions. "But we just went to all this trouble and you're always going on about capturing the bijuu anyway so it's not like-" Kisame clenched his jaw.

"No sir." He said. "No sir, we aren't disobeying your orders."

With a sigh, Kisame lowered his sword, allowing the prey they had tracked for three years to simply roll off. He met his partner's eye, and Itachi quirked his lips into a shallow smirk, and shrugged. What can you do.

The two ran.

"What a tight-ass." Kisame muttered.

"He might still be listening." Itachi said.

"Naw, he pulled that ultimatum-and-stomp-out thing. Man, the Leader can be such a woman some times." Kisame complained.

"Actually." Itachi began.

"No!" Kisame said. "We are not having that argument about his freaky zombie jutsu again." Kisame paused. "But I still think I'm right, though."

Itachi scowled. It was on.

I I I

AN: Some people are annoyed that I replaced the canon Raikage with this guy, but I came up with him approximately two and a half years ago, while writing Spying no Jutsu, and I wanted to keep him. Characterization? He's the guy who acts like a dick but is honestly trying to be friendly, he just naively assumes everybody's as thick-skinned as him. Power-wise? In Spying no Jutsu I said I would have the Akatsuki fight with their same powers, but with better tactics; this makes them, broadly, above Kage-level. The Raikage isn't an exception to that statement.

Kakashi once described Naruto as the number one most surprising ninja. I keep that in my pocket whenever I write Naruto. Oftentimes when I'm trying to decide what he'd do, or how he'd react to some situation, I'll come up with an answer, and then have him do something else entirely that also seems in character. Keep that in mind when you start asking me if Naruto knows about his parents or whatever: I made a conscious decision to do something I've never seen happen before.

Moving on.

I originally intended a confrontation between Chouzouyama and Naruto, possibly with some zany mistaken identity shenanigans (as much as Naruto/Motoko can be the same person, at any rate), but eventually decided against that and instead had them killed to remind ourselves that the Akatsuki are the bad guys.

The initial tag assignments were: Team Yamato (Leaf), Green; Team Ebisu (Leaf), Blue; Team K (Cloud), Green; Team Limestone (Rock), Red; Team Uzumaki (Mist), Blue; Team Kankuro (Sand) Blue; Team G (Rain), Yellow. Genji existed only as a sucker for Naruto.

I couldn't decide what color tags to give each team, so I used Microsoft Excel to randomly generate important plot points. I kid you not! I used the RANDBETWEEN() function. So if you decide that the tag assignments were kind of cheap, then it's totally Microsoft's fault.

So the thing that held this chapter up was the Roshi/Kisame fight scene I ended up not doing. I wanted to have a fight scene, but at the same time, having the before-and-after imagery was more appropriate for this point in the story. Plus, manga chapter 471 came out and revealed Kisame's Ressurccion, although it's still not clear if he's an Espada or just a Numeros.

So instead, have a snippet I wrote over a year ago, it's (mostly) about the Akatsuki, for TFF; the theme was "Xanatos Roulette." It's like a thousand words long, so rather than an omake, it's basically a totally unrelated one-shot. Consider it my apology for not updating as quickly as you all hoped. It's explicitly not part of this story's continuity.

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"I am so confused!" Naruto roared.

"It's all pretty simple, Naruto." Kisame said. "See, I needed to throw the world into chaos so I could seize control of my homeland." He hefted his sword, grinning. "For that purpose, I joined the Akatsuki and fed Pein's ego so he would make a ridiculous attempt to conquer the world."

"Wrong!" Hidan shouted, pointing. "I've been secretly manipulating all of you to seal all the bijuu in this statue so that Jashin could incarnate into this world!"

"You're all suckers." Madara said, exasperated. "I'm the REAL leader of Akatsuki. I fooled all of you into thinking I was the harmless Tobi, just so I could make you my tools for revenge against Konoha!" He pointed at Kisame. "You even believed I was the Mizukage!"

"We just put up with your charade because then Deidara got to put you in headlocks all the time." Kisame admitted. "And, uh, I let you think I believed you were the Mizukage so you'd continue your vendetta which would allow me to overthrow the Mist country and become Kage myself."

"Yeah, un." Deidara piped up.

"You!" Hidan shouted. "Aren't you dead?"

"Pfft, no." Deidara scoffed. "I just needed to use the resources of the Akatsuki to develop the ultimate explosive, un." He patted the giant statue. "Once I extract the eyeball juice from this guy I'll be able to blow up the world, un."

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that." Sasori announced. "You fools all didn't realize that I needed this statue to become my Ultimate Puppet. After faking my death, I was able to rebuild the statue as a super-weapon!" He began to laugh maniacally.

**"Um."** Zetsu said. "Actually, we disabled the puppet-bits and used the stomach as a viral super-breeder made out of the bijuu. You fools have contributed to the downfall of all humans!" **"Indeed! Now, the Earth's Will shall be fulfilled and you polluting humans will be cleansed from the planet!"**

"You're all wrong!" Pein whined. "I created Akatsuki, and that was so I could rule the world as a god!"

"Yeah... no." Kisame said. "None of us buy into Outer Heaven, dude."

"Yeah, un." Deidara nodded. "Orochimaru was so pissed, he even left the organization. Said he wanted to take over the world himself in a way that wasn't lame, instead of taking it from someone else that conquered it, un."

"Konan," Pein lamented, "Are you the only one that actually followed my dream?"

"Actually," Konan admitted, "I was going to use the power of the nine sealed bijuu to travel backwards in time and prevent you from becoming... this, Nagato. I mean, I love you, but... you need to change."

"Hey, where did the nine-tails go?" Sasori suddenly asked.

"Oh, great." Madara groaned. "He sneaked off while we were trying to decide who was the real leader of Akatsuki."

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"That was retarded." Naruto moaned. "I mean, I liked the Princess Fuuin movies and I think that was retarded." That said, Naruto pushed aside the curtain and entered the Ramen stand.

The only other customer looked up, and Naruto and Itachi stared at each other for a moment. Finally Itachi slurped up his noodles.

Finally Naruto spoke. "You know what? I don't care." He sat down and ordered a large beef deluxe.

"If it makes you feel better, Naruto-kun," Itachi said, "I only used the Akatsuki to elaborately fake my death." He shuddered. "If Sasuke was going to seek revenge, he shouldn't have been so lame about it."

Naruto pondered this. "Couldn't you just, you know, have killed him? I mean, I'm his friend and all but frankly, you could wipe the floor with him."

Itachi shook his head. "I promised your mother I wouldn't, so you would have a friend to watch your back when you took over the world."

Naruto groaned and put his face in his hands.

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"Haku." Zabuza said. "We... we need to talk."

"Yes?" Kakuuzu said, looking up from where he was flow-charting how the Akatsuki would make their next move.

"And please, take off the mask!"

"Okay." Kakuuzu sighed, pulling down the mask, revealing that he was really Zabuza's loyal follower, Haku.

"Listen, I really appreciate everything you've done--"

"It was all for your dream, Zabuza-kun!" Haku said, beaming.

"Right. About that." Zabuza said. "Listen, I wanted to take over the Mist country by force and reform society, not... not whatever this is."

"Right now I'm using Akatsuki to engineer a tough financial market so, with wise investing now, we'll be able to generate enough income to reach the next stage of the plan, where we'll--"

"Right, right." Zabuza said. "But... you got me, kid. I just want to kill people. That whole dream thing? That was just an excuse."

With that, Zabuza clapped Haku on the shoulder. "It's been real, kid, but... maybe it's time we went our own ways. You gotta strike out for yourself someday, kid."

"Zabuza-sama..." Haku said imploringly as the older ninja uncomfortably left the room.

Haku stared after the legendary Demon of the Mist before sighing deeply to himself.

"I wonder if Naruto needs any help becoming Hokage..." Haku muttered. "He was looking pretty cool when I manipulated him into 'killing' Kakuuzu, allowing me to fake my death..." Haku mused.

"Really cool, actually." Haku whispered, blushing.

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"I don't know how this happened." Naruto said, walking forward to his coronation ceremony.

"Congratulations on your youthful accomplishment, Naruto!" Lee cheered.

"Thanks, Lee." Naruto said reflexively, "but seriously, in my last scene I was eating ramen and now I'm being made Hokage? I mean--"

"Naruto." Lee said. "Look at me." He grabbed Naruto by the shoulder and twisted so he was looking his blond friend directly in the eye. "Let me tell you something important."

Naruto couldn't break away from those mesmerizing eyebrows. "Lee, this is kind of gay so--"

"Naruto." Lee said, and Naruto looked him in the eye, and then Lee said, "Naruto, it's turtles all the way down."

I I I

"Yosh! Go my youthful apprentice!" Gai shouted from the crowd, while the summoned turtle he was standing on nodded solemnly. Knowingly.

Then, the turtle looked left, then right, then left again, eyes narrowed with suspicion.


End file.
